I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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