On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
