apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
