I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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