It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
