He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
