Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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