She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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