yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
