I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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