I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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