Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
