At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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