i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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