wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
