i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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