i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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