we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Come on in and take your pants off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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