I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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