i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
