The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
