the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
