You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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