I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
