I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
