Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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