you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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