i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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