I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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