Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
