i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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