When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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