So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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