I wish I only lived at night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
