i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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