I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
