Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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