there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
