I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
