Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
