Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
