You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
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