i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
