Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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