Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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