right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
