i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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