Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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