Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
