she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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