i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
