the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
