For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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