Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
