May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She bit a glass in half.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
