My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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