you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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