A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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