My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i've created a new STD.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
