those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
